No Time Like Overtime

Always beware of the fact, that the only thing hindering an all out revolution is your fear of losing the scraps they throw at you. -GORE VIDAL

And that is why I wake up and go to work, instead of creating, and hate every minute of it.

Death to Fear

I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers. -KAHLIL GIBRAN, Sand and Foam


I'm in a steep learning curve fueled by anger and curbed by fear. I should be thankful for the horrors trying to turn my self-limiting fears into the desirable choice, but I still hold the horrors. Hate them, rage at them, and embrace them because I know what they are. I'm not sure what could be worse than where I am and what I'm doing (other than life in a Third World prison) and I don't want to find out. Could it be as simple as failure? Been there and done that multiple times, surviving when I thought it was impossible. I've done the impossible as many times as failed with equal ease. (It is failure-mostly-and I just wrote myself out of it, but I need more post.) Fear of success? Isn't that like being afraid of an all-u-can eat buffet? It makes zero sense and it's not me. Fear of the new and unknown? Possibly, happiness has always been an elusive state for me and my plans will make me very happy. So why is it I let the horrors stay?

I don't know, but I sure use “but” a lot.

Let me give you some good news: The shattered tooth was removed and I now have a convenient place to store a six inch sub. It didn't just give in and let itself be yanked; it was kicking and clinging to life until the dentist grabbed the Sawzall. RIP Molar 15

More good news: I've decided to go be happy no matter the cost.

Tastes Like Perky

Mostly “slow and steady” gets you separated from the herd and eaten. -Bernie

I'll Take the Life Raft with the Hole, Please

So, I'm stocking my life raft with needed supplies-I'll get to that next week-when my tooth shattered and I realized I hadn't packed a dentist.  Know where dentists go when it's snowing and your tooth is broken?  Florida, I suspect.

Anyway, I have a whole real idea to fluff and post for next week when my tooth will not be dancing to a throbbing Latin beat.,

I will survive.

Hope and Expectation

For the last two months I've felt like an electrified porcupine wanting a hug.  Usually, 'atta boy' or any other encouragement suffices, but this is different.  I need a real hug.  Touching?! Eww!  Not a fan of physical interaction most of the time.  Maybe it's the coming holidays which I plan to spend as alone as possible.

I don't know.  I need a hug, though.

Did you know a synonym for hope is expectation? Good to know, because I've been approaching hope all wrong.  I've been using hope as "it would be nice,and I would be happy, but I'm not counting on it" when really I should've been using it as "I expect this to happen because it's what I want to happen."  Substituting "expect" for "hope" creates a more active role for me in my life.  Coincidentally, taking an active interest in my life is next year's resolution.  I only have one carefully worded resolution for next year

I expect stability.

I have clearly defined ideas of what constitutes stability for me.  Now, I'll circle a few dates on my calendar, take some action and expect to have it all.

I like the idea of having it all.  I like it a lot.

Happy New Year to Everyone!

Present Tense

I don't want to live in my present.

Someday and Once are the two most important ideas in my World at this moment. They're like consolation prizes for my present which really isn't what I want it to be. In fact, according to my re-imagined memories and future fantasies, my present is the opposite of everything I've ever wanted or want. This can't possibly be if my thoughts become things unless youthful plans were just fears in disguise.

But I do believe thoughts become things.

Here are some thoughts on my present

I think I have a real future in comic strips. I've secretly always wanted to pair my thoughts with illustrations

I wake up in the most frightening state imaginable, but live a really fantastic life as soon as I get to work and shut off my present

I think my ideas are better than they've ever been, however I completely lack concentration and energy. Mostly, they are matured ideas I wasn't ready for when they first appeared

I'm developing the idea of “redefinition” slightly different from rationalizing in that outcomes are adapted to be the best possible given the circumstances

My present is plain tiring and frustrating. Trying to find energy be focusing on creating only works for a short while then I need rest and time.

Dance Like It Keeps You from Screaming

Sometimes I focus so much on the smoke and mirrors I lose sight of the magic.

Right now the smoke looks like overtime and the mirrors paychecks,  And all that means is I'm not doing what I should be doing.  Trading my life for a living, which is what  I am doing, doesn't make me happy, but neither does starving outdoors.

I collect thoughts a minute here and a minute there and plan on some project getting finished, but that's like collecting leaves thinking some day they'll be a tree.  I think I"ll keep that one.

Here's what I have been doing

Learning to color without lines.  It's part of a journaling project to create and finish something small every day,  The leaf and tree thing again.

Meticulously filling 2019 weekly planner with 2018 projects.  It's useful.  Really it is and they're all color coded.

Planning for a better new year makes the dying of 2018 all seem worth it,